Brief Tale of my Life

This is a story about me and my birth, life and whatever else my brain parts have decided you need to know.

I spent almost a full year trapped in a prison before the dragon people decided that I could leave.  (Whatever, just imprison whoever you feel like dragons, it's not like we care...)  Then I was unleashed upon the world.  This mostly included me running shit.  When I was smaller than I am now, I was kind of a boss.  "Oh, I'm sorry did you not want to do what I said?"  Then you get bit.  That's how this is gonna get played.  Then everyone was all like "stop biting me, and calling me a clay-boy.  I'm a regular human thing and blah blah blah".  Whatever most importantly I had to stop being a boss, because biting people seems to stop being an appropriate punishment after 6.

So then there was a time when I was some kind of sub-human.  Regular humans call it "puberty" but I'm pretty sure the mutant form I took during that time does not even have a real name, maybe blurgoblobbymeanface?  That seems to fit better.  Anyway, nothing important happened there.  Unless you include a parallel timeline that had to be destroyed so ours could live, which I don't.

Then I became a grown tiny human, and all the creature people were like "Congrats!! We never thought you'd make it past 15." and "Wow, sometimes your face looks like a worm." and "Today is a special day because it's Friday and TGIF, am I right?"

In summary, pineapples are not apples in the shape of pine trees and I like spiders.  I'm not going to pretend otherwise anymore.  Also I'm just going to say what everyone is thinking, squirrels are disease-ridden meth addicts looking to destroy everything.


Something inspirational,
Tiny Human

Time... explained, finally?

 Hello all you fine-ass creature things,

Thank you for gathering around your internet boxes and letting your eyes interpret all these silly squiggles as fancy "words".  You will never get back this time spent "reading" this but you could get magical unicorn points?!*

It's been a while, I think, I can never be sure.  As some of you may know, tiny humans hibernate, randomly and for different lengths of time.  Some of our greatest tiny human thinkers have tried to solve this strange phenomenon and every time they came to the same conclusion:  cookies are not the same as cookie jars.  I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH. 
I think that is a ground breaking theory but it doesn't get to the heart of what is time and why it's a thing and why people have clocks. 

I personally asked at least 3 different ogres and 1 very sassy goldfish try to explain the concept of time to me.  This is what I got out of it:

• Time is boring.
• Clocks = sundials - sun + a tiny baby robot elf?
• More importantly, triangle.
• Ogres smell bad (it's a stereotype because it's true)
• If you don't understand time, a ball of yarn will come to life (or back to life depending on who you speak to) and do your homework
•  BLAH BLAH who cares.
• Goldfish get mean when you ask personal questions

Okay so I think we all learned some pretty deep and meaningful things about time and what it is and clocks.

Thank you for opening your eye flaps and using the noodles in your brain to understand the word story my fingers wrote.

Mad love straight to mah golden biddie and all them ogs just trying to do them,
Tiny Human

*I am not and have never been affiliated with magical unicorn points, I can in no way guarantee that by reading this you will get unicorn points, magical or otherwise

A letter to the Future Robots

Dear Future Robots,

If you're reading this two things have happened:
1) This is the timeline where the humans and robots have entered into a civil war for planet everything
2) I can predict the future, SUCK IT NON-BELIEVERS, I'M A PRODIGY.

Please don't kill me, I'm too small to be a threat.  Also I like wearing silly costumes and talking about dragons (always a plus in a post-apocalyptic empire).

Reasons I'm awesome/to keep me alive:
-Smallness
-I can fit inside most pockets
-My words are amusing
-I've trained at least 58 goldfish how to WORK IT (they are born with a natural sass I just show them what to do with it)
-I can predict the future like a gypsy wizard
-I have at least 3 dinosaur friends that can hang out whenever you feel like traveling back like 300 years when they founded the United States
- Llamas, it's not really an attribute of mine but I do know how to spell it, if that is helpful in any way?
-Pretty sure I can move things with my mind.
-I'm also pretty sure I can move stuff with my body parts (don't quote me on that, I'm really not 100% on either of those claims)
-I take lots of naps which are pretty adorable, could you imagine if you threw in some puppies and panda bears who were also napping with me? I'm just spitting out some ideas here, but that idea is pure gold
-Sometimes when I'm tired I wiggle in place
-Today I ate more cookies than my Big Bird costume (he has an eating disorder)
-I'm really good at friendship (relationships, bracelets, schedules, camel-birds, etc.)
-I'm also #1 brain noodling, top in my class at every single university I made up
-My two favorite colors are every color and robots

I hope you take this list into consideration, you guys are my fav metal people.  By the way Cheryl was lying that dress does make you look fat.  No, it's okay I can say that, some of my closest friends are robots.  Also Cheryl's been sharing oil with your man, if you know what I mean.

Sorry I couldn't get translate this into binary code for you, I just didn't have the time (impending world disaster, blah, blah, blah, you get it)

101001011010110101010100111011010010101,
Tiny Human

Tiny human vocab: Lesson 1

Okay ladies and rabbit monsters, it's time for our first vocabulary lesson. Most of you have already heard these words once or twice before from our Dragon Overlords, but some of my readers are new to this pre-apocalyptic world so here we go:

-babblese: the language of the tiny humans
-bag-time: the time when you really need a bag
-braneri: something that is self-explanatory and makes total sense to everyone except the stupids
-brain noodles: noodles inside your brain that do the thinking for you so you don't have to
-cabaloni: all pasta foods for the eating (not to be confused with Pasta Persons.  I cannot stress enough that you CANNOT eat them, so please stop trying to, Blanche, it's getting really embarrassing)
-dragoon: money for dragons
-eelop: the adorable shrug of a rabbit with long ears when he/she/Lou is being serious
-flabbeljacket: jackets for goldfish so they can be fashionable
-flabberjacket: jackets for dragons so they don't get cold (not be be confused with flabbeljackets they serve completely different purposes)
-garblegarble: what tiny humans use to describe the words other-sized things use to talk to them about anything their tiny brain can't understand
-getdownsies: when you are physically unable to stop yourself from dancing like a lizard
-ICECREAMTRUCKKKKKK: the sound of childhood dreams coming true
-rawrberries: strawberries in the shapes of dinosaurs (don't feed them to dinosaurs they cannot digest them, bless their fickle stomachs)
-rawrp: trail mix for dinosaurs
-schnarf: the sound tiny humans make when they see a beach kid
-squiggle: when goldfish booty drop it to a banging beat
-squirrels: meth-addicted, violent, evil, fur creatures
-Treeseph: like Joseph but for trees, can also be used if you don't know the Tree's name
-updowns: when you stand up too fast and your brain thinks you’re a rabbit
-xaphalones: any and all instruments that make sounds for creature people to hear (not squirrels)
-zucchini: a gross vegetable that people only eat when they're trying to be nice to your face but secretly hate you.

I hope this enlightened and inspired some of you, to the others whom it didn't, burn in hell with the squirrels, I hope you like your crystal meth because it's all they have to eat there.


Dragons, may you stay forever sexy, and warm in your flabberjackets,
Tiny Human

Michelle, the lima bean

Many of you crazy vegetable-people already know this story, but this blog isn't just for you guys any more, I have to cater to the "humans" too.  I know it's not something I'm proud of but its the humans and the flying babies that pay the bills.  Tiny dinosaur costumes do not come cheap.

So one day, there was a lima bean, Michelle, chilling, getting ready for her first day of robot school.  Then she was all like "I hate lima beans, I hate robots, I don't want to go to school anymore."
There always comes a time in a lima bean's life when they turn their natural and logical hatred toward squirrels against their robot and lima brethren.
But this was something more, Michelle wanted to spread her wings and ride the backs of centipedes into the dinosaur-woodlands.  She didn't ask for a lot just a time-traveling centipede that would be her best friend so he could take her where ever/whenever she wanted.

That day she waited outside of Bicha's School for Insects (back then insects and vegetables were still segregated, it was a difficult time for everyone).  She waited for at least 12 minutes, or 3 and a half hours in lima bean time, for the centipedes to crawl out of their "classroom" so she could force one of them to be her best-friend.
She waited there yelling "Be my best-friend, please, please, please, I wanna hang out with dinosaurs."

Finally one centipede came up to her and said "Hi my name is Ralph, I can't time-travel but I can be your friend"
Michelle replied "No thanks, I'd rather die, than be friends with someone who can't time-travel."  She was all sass nowadays.

Seeing this sassy lima bean, another centipede came over and said "I can time-travel"
Michelle just looked at this new centipede and was all like DAMN look at those legs (only in her brain noodle not out loud, that would have been SO embarrassing). 
Instead she just said "Do you have a name to go with those legs?" (UGH.  She always knows the right thing to say.)
The centipede responded "My name is Wouter, and I agree I also think I am attractive"


That's when it happened.  They became best-friends.  No words, just dinosaurs.

Now Michelle is all grown up, she has her own leather jacket and her and Wouter are still really really good friends fighting the good fight against the squirrels.

Michelle and Wouter, if you're reading this, watch out there's a squirrel murdering a family of happiness behind you.

Beep, beep, shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhh, beep, beep,
Tiny Dinosaur Human

Brain of a Tiny Human

I cannot bother with pesky google images, because that involves computer technologies that belong to wizards and me and the wizard community are not on the best of terms right now.
What I can do is give a verbal depiction of what doctor's might believe they can hear from my brain noodles:

beep.beep.shhhhhhhhhhhh.shhhhhhhhh.beep.beep. 
Picture of dinosaur
Picture of dinosaur with wings
Pegasus
Unicorn Pegasus
Unicorn Pegasus with scales and fire breath
Squirrels
Gladiator battle between me and a squirrel (I lost, because squirrels are constantly on meth and therefore fear nothing)
Goldfish who tap dance (the normal kind, not the weird French ones... I can never understand them)
Pillows
Pillow kingdom where tiny humans rule from a comfortable throne of pillows (why rule from a throne made of pencil shavings when you can sit on pillow people?)
Industrial Revolution
Robot Apocalypse of 2053
Camels who turn into people when they're bored
Me as a goldfish who turned into a backpack who turned into a squirrel
Tears because now I'm a squirrel
Relief now that I'm back in backpack-form
Dora the Explorer tries to take me on a trip (because of the whole backpack thing), I get mad, we get into an argument, then we dance to solve our problems, best friends again.
Me riding a Brontosaurus, then laughing at scientists for riding a dinosaur they didn't believe existed
The scientists crown me Queen Brain-Noodle for being so small and knowing more than everyone who ever existed.
LIMA BEANS IN LEATHER JACKETS

This is what happens to the tiny ones when they have too much homework.

I want to throw out a final apology to the wizard community, my bad,  sorry for burning down all your villages? I'm still not 100% sure what I did, but I will say that I am probably really sorry?  Come on, you guys are like my main bitches.

I'm tiny, accept my apology, please.  Also use your wand thing to kill all the squirrels, I hate them and they're evil.

Death to squirrels.  Long live lima beans,
Tiny Dinosaur Human

Some Facts about Tiny Humans:

Some Facts about Tiny Humans:
-We both started and ended WWII
-We are descendants of lions and paper cups (they interbred to create the tiny-human generation, that society has barely come to acknowledge the fictional existence of)
-Every third Tuesday after a full moon we turn into a sea creature for about 48 seconds (it's really uncomfortable unless you're already in water)
-Lima beans are delicious
-Fabric of time means nothing to us, we are too small to care about it.
-Alice in Wonderland is not a children's story, it is a biography of my life (I'm the cat-one)
-We use our tiny person-like selves to manipulate the other-sized people into doing things for us (reaching cups, starting genocides, ending genocides, etc)
-When you aren't looking directly at us, we turn into dolls
-Some of us can start fires with our minds, but only like 4 or 5 of us, and they were really nasty to me at our last BBQ, so whatever.  Just because I can't start a fire with my mind doesn't make me any less of a dinosaur than those guys.
-Anything larger than 100in means nothing to us.
-Also 100in means nothing to me, I know that 60in is me-sized but when I think about 100in I can only imagine something goldfish-sized.  Not 100% sure, but I'm going to go with my gut on this one.
 -Our first stage of life is in worm-form, straight up worm-living.

Now every single thing on this list came from my tiny-little-mind to my tiny-little-fingers to a normal sized keyboard onto a computer-machine, which I can only imagine laser typed all this info onto the brains of things who also touch it?


To those who ask "How can this be real? None of this is based in any kind of fact, it seems more like the ramblings of a crazy person."
I respond "You humans and your questions, when will you learn? I'm going to turn you into a squirrel now for being rude."

Mad love to the Lima beans, I really meant what I said up there.

Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes,
Tiny Dinosaur Human

The Day the Rabbit Became a Lizard

This is a story tiny humans have been telling to their creature children for years, I thought it was only fair to share it with the other-sized people.

For centuries rabbits have been shedding their feathers to become the slime creatures we know and love today.  This story is a little different because when it came time for this rabbit to take her place with her slime creature brethren, she decided to make a choice that would change the history of everything.

Dolores, the rabbit, grew up her whole life watching her friends and family shed their rabbit feathers to become these elegant slime creatures.  She heard her aunts gossiping about the rabbits who didn't shed fast enough or the slime creatures whose slime wasn't oozy enough.  Dolores knew that one day she was destined to become one of these slime creatures and she was TERRIFIED. 

She hated the smell of slime, she hated the way it looked and felt because all of it seemed a whole lot more like boogers than elegance.  That's when she came across a lizard.  This lizard was awesome, he had scales and a forked tongue and whatever the lizard equivalent to a leather jacket.  Dolores knew right then that she didn't want to be a slime creature, she wanted to be a lizard.

So Dolores approached the lizard and asked him "Lizard, how did you become a lizard?" to which he responded "First of all my name is Howard, don't just call me lizard because I'm a lizard, it's offensive."
"Sorry, Howard, I didn't mean to be rude but seriously how did you do it? I want to be a lizard like 3 days ago."
"I just decided.  One day, I was one creature and then I was like lizard-time and then I was a lizard."

Dolores wandered away without responding (she was never very good at pleasantries) and she thought to herself so I can just think myself lizard? BRILLIANT, can't believe I didn't already think of that lizards really are the coolest.
Then she paused a moment to rep all the slime creatures and thought to herself LIZARD-TIME BITCHES and that was that.

Dolores the rabbit became Dolores the lizard.

Then some other stuff happened like her family rejected her for abandoning them blah blah blah emotionally isolated, etc.  It didn't matter anymore because she was a lizard and therefore cool.

Children and other things that aren't children, I want you to take away 2 lessons from this:
1) Being cool is more important than your family.  Family has to accept you, society doesn't, that's why it's opinion is more valuable.
2) If your rabbit is unimpressive, keep saying lizard-time, eventually the rabbit will think it, wondering what you're doing and then your boring rabbit will turn into an edgy lizard.

Dolores if you're reading this, thanks, you're my main bitch.

Always or until a different time,
Tiny Dinosaur Human

A short tale about dragon-babies

Once upon a time, there were dragons, that time happened to be around 3pm yesterday when I was eating my lunch.  I'm not here to say that dragons didn't exist in other timelines too (I can only speculate).  What I can do is talk about what I know for a fact and that is that dragons are bad-ass, but dragon-babies are also things that do stuff.

During my lunch of sandwich things, this dragon, Steve, came over to me and was all like "Watch my dragon-babies, I have to pillage or fly or blow fire or just be awesome somewhere, I heard you were really smart and super small so I figured you would be the perfect baby-sitter."
To which I responded "Duh, of course, dragon-babies are just like real babies but cooler and with wings."

So Steve went off to go do his dragon thing and I got to hang out with his 4 dragon-babies.  I had to learn the hard way that dragon-babies do not respond well to tiny humans. 

At first they just did normal baby stuff like cry for Steve and set fire to anything that looked like plastic.  Then they started yelling things like "tiny human, get off that stool, who do you think you are you'll never reach that cup." and "get used to being single forever because no one would ever love someone they could fit into their pocket."

These guys were cruel.  I began racking my head for solutions to get these things to be nice to me so I could have dragon friends who were also tiny.

Then a stroke of brilliance hit me, kiddie pool filled with french fries.  It was like something from a movie.  I got out my kiddie pool and filled the whole thing up to the top with french fries as the dragon-babies watched in awe. 

They got in the pool of french fries and it was an instant montage of bonding.  At first we laughed at the joy of the french fries, tears soon followed because of the empty calories and then laughter again when we realized it would be 800 years before we would have to watch our calorie intake.

That's when the one little dragon, Camel, said something I will never forget "french fries, happiness, don't worry about your final paper I already did it for you." Let me tell you for a dragon of that age, he was saying some pretty smart words.

I take those words with me every where I go.  When my professors ask me "Where is your final paper?" I just say "Don't worry Camel has got it under control, french fries."

I will never forget those dragon-babies even after the tiny humans take control and rule over all species both tiny and other sized. 

Camel, Roberta, Paper clip, Bick, and their father Steve, thank you for the best half hour of my week.  I'll probably remember this for at least 3 more weeks, maybe less my brain can only handle so much.

Much love to the things who are things who like dragons.
Yours Truly,
Tiny Dinosaur Human