Dear Future Robots,
If you're reading this two things have happened:
1) This is the timeline where the humans and robots have entered into a civil war for planet everything
2) I can predict the future, SUCK IT NON-BELIEVERS, I'M A PRODIGY.
Please don't kill me, I'm too small to be a threat. Also I like wearing silly costumes and talking about dragons (always a plus in a post-apocalyptic empire).
Reasons I'm awesome/to keep me alive:
-Smallness
-I can fit inside most pockets
-My words are amusing
-I've trained at least 58 goldfish how to WORK IT (they are born with a natural sass I just show them what to do with it)
-I can predict the future like a gypsy wizard
-I have at least 3 dinosaur friends that can hang out whenever you feel like traveling back like 300 years when they founded the United States
- Llamas, it's not really an attribute of mine but I do know how to spell it, if that is helpful in any way?
-Pretty sure I can move things with my mind.
-I'm also pretty sure I can move stuff with my body parts (don't quote me on that, I'm really not 100% on either of those claims)
-I take lots of naps which are pretty adorable, could you imagine if you threw in some puppies and panda bears who were also napping with me? I'm just spitting out some ideas here, but that idea is pure gold
-Sometimes when I'm tired I wiggle in place
-Today I ate more cookies than my Big Bird costume (he has an eating disorder)
-I'm really good at friendship (relationships, bracelets, schedules, camel-birds, etc.)
-I'm also #1 brain noodling, top in my class at every single university I made up
-My two favorite colors are every color and robots
I hope you take this list into consideration, you guys are my fav metal people. By the way Cheryl was lying that dress does make you look fat. No, it's okay I can say that, some of my closest friends are robots. Also Cheryl's been sharing oil with your man, if you know what I mean.
Sorry I couldn't get translate this into binary code for you, I just didn't have the time (impending world disaster, blah, blah, blah, you get it)
101001011010110101010100111011010010101,
Tiny Human
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Tiny human vocab: Lesson 1
Okay ladies and rabbit monsters, it's time for our first vocabulary lesson. Most of you have already heard these words once or twice before from our Dragon Overlords, but some of my readers are new to this pre-apocalyptic world so here we go:
-babblese: the language of the tiny humans
-bag-time: the time when you really need a bag
-braneri: something that is self-explanatory and makes total sense to everyone except the stupids
-brain noodles: noodles inside your brain that do the thinking for you so you don't have to
-cabaloni: all pasta foods for the eating (not to be confused with Pasta Persons. I cannot stress enough that you CANNOT eat them, so please stop trying to, Blanche, it's getting really embarrassing)
-dragoon: money for dragons
-eelop: the adorable shrug of a rabbit with long ears when he/she/Lou is being serious
-flabbeljacket: jackets for goldfish so they can be fashionable
-flabberjacket: jackets for dragons so they don't get cold (not be be confused with flabbeljackets they serve completely different purposes)
-garblegarble: what tiny humans use to describe the words other-sized things use to talk to them about anything their tiny brain can't understand
-getdownsies: when you are physically unable to stop yourself from dancing like a lizard
-ICECREAMTRUCKKKKKK: the sound of childhood dreams coming true
-rawrberries: strawberries in the shapes of dinosaurs (don't feed them to dinosaurs they cannot digest them, bless their fickle stomachs)
-rawrp: trail mix for dinosaurs
-schnarf: the sound tiny humans make when they see a beach kid
-squiggle: when goldfish booty drop it to a banging beat
-squirrels: meth-addicted, violent, evil, fur creatures
-Treeseph: like Joseph but for trees, can also be used if you don't know the Tree's name
-updowns: when you stand up too fast and your brain thinks you’re a rabbit
-xaphalones: any and all instruments that make sounds for creature people to hear (not squirrels)
-zucchini: a gross vegetable that people only eat when they're trying to be nice to your face but secretly hate you.
I hope this enlightened and inspired some of you, to the others whom it didn't, burn in hell with the squirrels, I hope you like your crystal meth because it's all they have to eat there.
Dragons, may you stay forever sexy, and warm in your flabberjackets,
Tiny Human
-babblese: the language of the tiny humans
-bag-time: the time when you really need a bag
-braneri: something that is self-explanatory and makes total sense to everyone except the stupids
-brain noodles: noodles inside your brain that do the thinking for you so you don't have to
-cabaloni: all pasta foods for the eating (not to be confused with Pasta Persons. I cannot stress enough that you CANNOT eat them, so please stop trying to, Blanche, it's getting really embarrassing)
-dragoon: money for dragons
-eelop: the adorable shrug of a rabbit with long ears when he/she/Lou is being serious
-flabbeljacket: jackets for goldfish so they can be fashionable
-flabberjacket: jackets for dragons so they don't get cold (not be be confused with flabbeljackets they serve completely different purposes)
-garblegarble: what tiny humans use to describe the words other-sized things use to talk to them about anything their tiny brain can't understand
-getdownsies: when you are physically unable to stop yourself from dancing like a lizard
-ICECREAMTRUCKKKKKK: the sound of childhood dreams coming true
-rawrberries: strawberries in the shapes of dinosaurs (don't feed them to dinosaurs they cannot digest them, bless their fickle stomachs)
-rawrp: trail mix for dinosaurs
-schnarf: the sound tiny humans make when they see a beach kid
-squiggle: when goldfish booty drop it to a banging beat
-squirrels: meth-addicted, violent, evil, fur creatures
-Treeseph: like Joseph but for trees, can also be used if you don't know the Tree's name
-updowns: when you stand up too fast and your brain thinks you’re a rabbit
-xaphalones: any and all instruments that make sounds for creature people to hear (not squirrels)
-zucchini: a gross vegetable that people only eat when they're trying to be nice to your face but secretly hate you.
I hope this enlightened and inspired some of you, to the others whom it didn't, burn in hell with the squirrels, I hope you like your crystal meth because it's all they have to eat there.
Dragons, may you stay forever sexy, and warm in your flabberjackets,
Tiny Human
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Michelle, the lima bean
Many of you crazy vegetable-people already know this story, but this blog isn't just for you guys any more, I have to cater to the "humans" too. I know it's not something I'm proud of but its the humans and the flying babies that pay the bills. Tiny dinosaur costumes do not come cheap.
So one day, there was a lima bean, Michelle, chilling, getting ready for her first day of robot school. Then she was all like "I hate lima beans, I hate robots, I don't want to go to school anymore."
There always comes a time in a lima bean's life when they turn their natural and logical hatred toward squirrels against their robot and lima brethren.
But this was something more, Michelle wanted to spread her wings and ride the backs of centipedes into the dinosaur-woodlands. She didn't ask for a lot just a time-traveling centipede that would be her best friend so he could take her where ever/whenever she wanted.
That day she waited outside of Bicha's School for Insects (back then insects and vegetables were still segregated, it was a difficult time for everyone). She waited for at least 12 minutes, or 3 and a half hours in lima bean time, for the centipedes to crawl out of their "classroom" so she could force one of them to be her best-friend.
She waited there yelling "Be my best-friend, please, please, please, I wanna hang out with dinosaurs."
Finally one centipede came up to her and said "Hi my name is Ralph, I can't time-travel but I can be your friend"
Michelle replied "No thanks, I'd rather die, than be friends with someone who can't time-travel." She was all sass nowadays.
Seeing this sassy lima bean, another centipede came over and said "I can time-travel"
Michelle just looked at this new centipede and was all like DAMN look at those legs (only in her brain noodle not out loud, that would have been SO embarrassing).
Instead she just said "Do you have a name to go with those legs?" (UGH. She always knows the right thing to say.)
The centipede responded "My name is Wouter, and I agree I also think I am attractive"
That's when it happened. They became best-friends. No words, just dinosaurs.
Now Michelle is all grown up, she has her own leather jacket and her and Wouter are still really really good friends fighting the good fight against the squirrels.
Michelle and Wouter, if you're reading this, watch out there's a squirrel murdering a family of happiness behind you.
Beep, beep, shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhh, beep, beep,
Tiny Dinosaur Human
So one day, there was a lima bean, Michelle, chilling, getting ready for her first day of robot school. Then she was all like "I hate lima beans, I hate robots, I don't want to go to school anymore."
There always comes a time in a lima bean's life when they turn their natural and logical hatred toward squirrels against their robot and lima brethren.
But this was something more, Michelle wanted to spread her wings and ride the backs of centipedes into the dinosaur-woodlands. She didn't ask for a lot just a time-traveling centipede that would be her best friend so he could take her where ever/whenever she wanted.
That day she waited outside of Bicha's School for Insects (back then insects and vegetables were still segregated, it was a difficult time for everyone). She waited for at least 12 minutes, or 3 and a half hours in lima bean time, for the centipedes to crawl out of their "classroom" so she could force one of them to be her best-friend.
She waited there yelling "Be my best-friend, please, please, please, I wanna hang out with dinosaurs."
Finally one centipede came up to her and said "Hi my name is Ralph, I can't time-travel but I can be your friend"
Michelle replied "No thanks, I'd rather die, than be friends with someone who can't time-travel." She was all sass nowadays.
Seeing this sassy lima bean, another centipede came over and said "I can time-travel"
Michelle just looked at this new centipede and was all like DAMN look at those legs (only in her brain noodle not out loud, that would have been SO embarrassing).
Instead she just said "Do you have a name to go with those legs?" (UGH. She always knows the right thing to say.)
The centipede responded "My name is Wouter, and I agree I also think I am attractive"
That's when it happened. They became best-friends. No words, just dinosaurs.
Now Michelle is all grown up, she has her own leather jacket and her and Wouter are still really really good friends fighting the good fight against the squirrels.
Michelle and Wouter, if you're reading this, watch out there's a squirrel murdering a family of happiness behind you.
Beep, beep, shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhh, beep, beep,
Tiny Dinosaur Human
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Brain of a Tiny Human
I cannot bother with pesky google images, because that involves computer technologies that belong to wizards and me and the wizard community are not on the best of terms right now.
What I can do is give a verbal depiction of what doctor's might believe they can hear from my brain noodles:
beep.beep.shhhhhhhhhhhh.shhhhhhhhh.beep.beep.
Picture of dinosaur
Picture of dinosaur with wings
Pegasus
Unicorn Pegasus
Unicorn Pegasus with scales and fire breath
Squirrels
Gladiator battle between me and a squirrel (I lost, because squirrels are constantly on meth and therefore fear nothing)
Goldfish who tap dance (the normal kind, not the weird French ones... I can never understand them)
Pillows
Pillow kingdom where tiny humans rule from a comfortable throne of pillows (why rule from a throne made of pencil shavings when you can sit on pillow people?)
Industrial Revolution
Robot Apocalypse of 2053
Camels who turn into people when they're bored
Me as a goldfish who turned into a backpack who turned into a squirrel
Tears because now I'm a squirrel
Relief now that I'm back in backpack-form
Dora the Explorer tries to take me on a trip (because of the whole backpack thing), I get mad, we get into an argument, then we dance to solve our problems, best friends again.
Me riding a Brontosaurus, then laughing at scientists for riding a dinosaur they didn't believe existed
The scientists crown me Queen Brain-Noodle for being so small and knowing more than everyone who ever existed.
LIMA BEANS IN LEATHER JACKETS
This is what happens to the tiny ones when they have too much homework.
I want to throw out a final apology to the wizard community, my bad, sorry for burning down all your villages? I'm still not 100% sure what I did, but I will say that I am probably really sorry? Come on, you guys are like my main bitches.
I'm tiny, accept my apology, please. Also use your wand thing to kill all the squirrels, I hate them and they're evil.
Death to squirrels. Long live lima beans,
Tiny Dinosaur Human
What I can do is give a verbal depiction of what doctor's might believe they can hear from my brain noodles:
beep.beep.shhhhhhhhhhhh.shhhhhhhhh.beep.beep.
Picture of dinosaur
Picture of dinosaur with wings
Pegasus
Unicorn Pegasus
Unicorn Pegasus with scales and fire breath
Squirrels
Gladiator battle between me and a squirrel (I lost, because squirrels are constantly on meth and therefore fear nothing)
Goldfish who tap dance (the normal kind, not the weird French ones... I can never understand them)
Pillows
Pillow kingdom where tiny humans rule from a comfortable throne of pillows (why rule from a throne made of pencil shavings when you can sit on pillow people?)
Industrial Revolution
Robot Apocalypse of 2053
Camels who turn into people when they're bored
Me as a goldfish who turned into a backpack who turned into a squirrel
Tears because now I'm a squirrel
Relief now that I'm back in backpack-form
Dora the Explorer tries to take me on a trip (because of the whole backpack thing), I get mad, we get into an argument, then we dance to solve our problems, best friends again.
Me riding a Brontosaurus, then laughing at scientists for riding a dinosaur they didn't believe existed
The scientists crown me Queen Brain-Noodle for being so small and knowing more than everyone who ever existed.
LIMA BEANS IN LEATHER JACKETS
This is what happens to the tiny ones when they have too much homework.
I want to throw out a final apology to the wizard community, my bad, sorry for burning down all your villages? I'm still not 100% sure what I did, but I will say that I am probably really sorry? Come on, you guys are like my main bitches.
I'm tiny, accept my apology, please. Also use your wand thing to kill all the squirrels, I hate them and they're evil.
Death to squirrels. Long live lima beans,
Tiny Dinosaur Human
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