Brief Tale of my Life

This is a story about me and my birth, life and whatever else my brain parts have decided you need to know.

I spent almost a full year trapped in a prison before the dragon people decided that I could leave.  (Whatever, just imprison whoever you feel like dragons, it's not like we care...)  Then I was unleashed upon the world.  This mostly included me running shit.  When I was smaller than I am now, I was kind of a boss.  "Oh, I'm sorry did you not want to do what I said?"  Then you get bit.  That's how this is gonna get played.  Then everyone was all like "stop biting me, and calling me a clay-boy.  I'm a regular human thing and blah blah blah".  Whatever most importantly I had to stop being a boss, because biting people seems to stop being an appropriate punishment after 6.

So then there was a time when I was some kind of sub-human.  Regular humans call it "puberty" but I'm pretty sure the mutant form I took during that time does not even have a real name, maybe blurgoblobbymeanface?  That seems to fit better.  Anyway, nothing important happened there.  Unless you include a parallel timeline that had to be destroyed so ours could live, which I don't.

Then I became a grown tiny human, and all the creature people were like "Congrats!! We never thought you'd make it past 15." and "Wow, sometimes your face looks like a worm." and "Today is a special day because it's Friday and TGIF, am I right?"

In summary, pineapples are not apples in the shape of pine trees and I like spiders.  I'm not going to pretend otherwise anymore.  Also I'm just going to say what everyone is thinking, squirrels are disease-ridden meth addicts looking to destroy everything.


Something inspirational,
Tiny Human

Time... explained, finally?

 Hello all you fine-ass creature things,

Thank you for gathering around your internet boxes and letting your eyes interpret all these silly squiggles as fancy "words".  You will never get back this time spent "reading" this but you could get magical unicorn points?!*

It's been a while, I think, I can never be sure.  As some of you may know, tiny humans hibernate, randomly and for different lengths of time.  Some of our greatest tiny human thinkers have tried to solve this strange phenomenon and every time they came to the same conclusion:  cookies are not the same as cookie jars.  I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH. 
I think that is a ground breaking theory but it doesn't get to the heart of what is time and why it's a thing and why people have clocks. 

I personally asked at least 3 different ogres and 1 very sassy goldfish try to explain the concept of time to me.  This is what I got out of it:

• Time is boring.
• Clocks = sundials - sun + a tiny baby robot elf?
• More importantly, triangle.
• Ogres smell bad (it's a stereotype because it's true)
• If you don't understand time, a ball of yarn will come to life (or back to life depending on who you speak to) and do your homework
•  BLAH BLAH who cares.
• Goldfish get mean when you ask personal questions

Okay so I think we all learned some pretty deep and meaningful things about time and what it is and clocks.

Thank you for opening your eye flaps and using the noodles in your brain to understand the word story my fingers wrote.

Mad love straight to mah golden biddie and all them ogs just trying to do them,
Tiny Human

*I am not and have never been affiliated with magical unicorn points, I can in no way guarantee that by reading this you will get unicorn points, magical or otherwise